Blue to Green

Been Away for awhile

2007-09-14T14:35:00.000-04:00

If anyone out there is still reading this....Sorry for not posting for ab out a year or so lol. I've been pretty busy.....The Army has had me running all over the planet. I'll give you all a quick update...went to OCS and got my commission as a 2LT....went to BOLCII, got married to HH6, went to my Officer Basic Course, got certified in Level 1 Modern Army Combatives, moved to Germany. We just arrived in Germany and I'm getting ready to head Down Range. Time flies...anyway....just thought I'd let anyone who cares know Im still alive and doing well...Ill try and be better about posting!

MEPS...delays...travellin'

2006-09-29T12:48:00.000-04:00

So yesterday I swore in and shipped....well...tried to ship anyway....bad weather in DC kept my flight from Syracuse grounded....so I ended up not leaving untill 5:30 this morning. Of course I took advantage of the last night at home to spend a few more hours with HH6. She has been holding up very well so far...Im proud of her. I'm not sure what I expected...but she's made it alot easier than it could have been...she's a trooper.

So I finally arrive in Atlanta...head to the USO....and they tell me and my little travel buddy to get lost...we can come back after we've finished training. Nice. Long story short...Im stuck here untill 5PM waiting for the bus to Benning. Almost there.....

No news is good news?

2006-09-16T10:30:00.000-04:00

Thanks to all my commentors! Wether it's a few words of encouragement or a tidbit of information that I was missing, ym readers and commentors usually fill in the gaps, thanks again! So the more I read about about OCS, the more worried I was getting about this whole process. I have read numerous complaints that it has gotten soft and is too easy...etc etc....then Becky's comment, explaining the BOLC system made perfect sense to me. OCS is known as a "Gentlemans course". It's not a boot camp (by the time you get to OCS you should have already gone through boot camp). So the Scope of the course is to teach you how to be an Officer. Some may despair the lack of leadership training in the current iteration of OCS, but thats what BOLC II is for. This approach may not make sense to everyone, but believe it or not, it makes perfect sense to me. I may be way off base here, but lets look at a commision like an MOS for a minute. When you go to AIT you learn to do your job....if its language school, your main focus is on language, much less so on PLDC or other things. So having a "how to be an Officer" school actually makes sense to me. Then we can look at BOLC II as PLDC....how to be a leader...again..I'm comparing this to the enlisted process, but it makes sense to me. I actually think that 6 weeks of training devoted to leadership is going to be more effective than 14 weeks of knife and fork training, admin training and all that jazz...mixed in with whatever time they have left for leadership training. I'm actually a little impressed. As an 18x candidate, I was pretty impressed with the 18X pipeline. I thought OSUT for infantry soldiers was genius. Apparently this is a different Army than the one I saw when I was on active duty. Kinda interesting.

Things continue to progress on the Home Front. HH6 remains stressed out, but she puts on a brave face for me. Sometimes, though, I can see beyond it and just how scared she is. I wish she would believe me when I tell her everything will be fine. When she gets all nervous, its starts to make me nervous..hehe. I'm scared too though. I'm scared that I wont make it through OCS, and I'll have to come home, and face her as a failure. I'm scared that when the time comes for her to move down to wherever I am, she won't want to anymore. I'm scared she'll meet somebody better while I'm gone (well not really, I mean...who could be better than me ;) ?) But yeah...our stress level at home is kinda high, but the fact that we persevere through it and find a little time to laugh at ourselves and each other gives me faith that we have a bright future together.

I sense a Disturbance in the Force

2006-09-11T09:40:00.001-04:00

Ok, the more I think about it, the more suspicious I get about not going to the WTC and not having a branch assignment yet. I registered for the army OCS websites forums, and almost everyone has had their branch and follow on orders to BOLC II and BOLC III (whatever those are) and their OBC class dates already. Somehow, I can already feel the Army's hot breath on the back of my neck...both of its sweaty hands on my shoulders...whispering seductively into my ear, "this wont hurt a bit.....just relax..." This situation kinda reminds me of last night's Family Guy season premiere...where Peter goes to the doctor for a flu shot and ends up getting a Prostate exam. One of greatest fears is that I'll be branched Infantry and expected to complete jump school and RIP right after OCS....HMMM....oh well...

The run has me nervous, mainly because I havent been doing much (any) running lately. Of course I am now in the old man age group so I have 17 minutes to run the 2 miles....hopefully adrenaline will kick in and Ill do OK. I havent smoked in over a month now, so that should go in my favor during the run. It helps to be able to breathe.

I was given notice that TG resents being known as TG, so from now on...she will be known as HH6 (house hold 6). She wont get it, but all you mil-blogger types should. HH6 is understandably nervous and upset about my departure, but her continued love and support keep me going. It's going to be hard to be away from her for so long, but I guess we had better prepare for that. I really wish I had some kind of idea as to what Branch I'll get so we could start making plans for her to come and join me after OCS. I'm already looking forward to Christmas Exodus and coming home to her. It's going to be a nice break.

If I sound slightly panicked...well...I am. The ball is rolling a bit faster than I'd like it too, but there's nothing to do about it but hang on and hope for the best. With any luck I should have my commission by the end of January and more info well ahead of that.

Go directly to OCS, do not pass go, do not collect $200

2006-09-10T13:36:00.000-04:00

So Thursday was an interesting day. I went back to MEPS to sign my OCS contract. I found out that I wont be going to the WTC at all. I leave directly for reception and start my OCS class on 10 OCT. Its sort of short notice, but seeing as how I was supposed to ship Thursday, I guess I cant really complain. I'm working at Best Buy untill the 23rd, then I'll have about 5 days to pack up my apartment, put everything in storage, and say my good-bye's. No idea what branch I'll get, I'm hoping for MI or Infantry, which I really dont think are unreasonable. It's possible that my airborne DQ could keep me out an infantry unit...so who knows...maybe by then I'll get to see a doc who can get me cleared for airborne duty. I'm not sure how much blogging I'll be able to do in between now and when I leave, and I'm pretty sure that it's not gonna happen once Im at OCS, but we'll see.

The Officers Board

2006-09-03T17:25:00.000-04:00

Well, Finally some good news! I actually sat my Officers Board Friday. It was quite an experience. I've never had an experience like it before. It was pretty intense to say the least. I found out Thursday afternoon that my board was actually scheduled for Thursday morning, yes you read that correctly...I missed my first board...apparently there was some miscommunication. Oh well. So I was told to be ready and meet my recruiter at the station at 7:30 to head down for the new board. Thursday night was spent in a panic, TG went the extra mile and printed off the Army Core values and a bunch of other study material for me to look at when I got home. She also checked my suit for wrinkles and Ironed my shirt while I was in the shower the next morning. She made coffee and got me ready for the day ahead. It was great. She really made things alot easier and showed me that she really supports what I'm doing and is willing to go out of her way to help me any way she can. Big points for her. On my way from the station, she called and said her mom had brought me up at her prayer group and they had all prayed that I would do well at the board. Now I'm not a super religious guy, but that meant alot to me. Then her mom called me and wished me luck too. I was feeling pretty good at that point. Then I got another phone call from her little sister, who's in Grad school in Indiana, again wishing me luck and telling me she had every confidence in my ability. It was a pretty emotional experience, in a good way. It's great to be overwhelmed once in while, especially with love and support. It really took my mind off my worries and helped me to focus. I can't thank them enough.
I wont get into specifics about what they asked me, but to anyone considering applying for OCS, READ YOUR ESSAY AGAIN RIGHT BEFORE THE BOARD! Know and be able to clearly state why you want to be an Officer in the Army. I will relate a funny story from the board though. One of the members of the board asked me why I wanted to be an Officer in the Army instead of the Navy. Now the real reasoning for this was of course Special Forces, but I was so amped up, I drew a total blank. My first response was "Well, Sir, Thats a good question". to which he replied "Thank you." and proceeded to wait expectantly for my answer. The best reason I could come up with was "Well, Sir, I didn't care for Ship-Board life." to which he replied, "what didn't you like about it?". I replied "well, sir, it's dirty" That casued a few raised eyebrows, let me tell you. There I was, sitting across from from 3 Officers, basically telling them I was afraid of getting dirty. Not my finest moment. I did manage a decent recovery and the rest of the board went pretty smoothly. So smoothly in fact, that The board reccomended me for OCS.
Before I left, I was in the PAO office for the batallion doing some paperwork, and I noticed a bunch of little lapel pins that say "Proud of my Future Soldier". So I grabbed a few, one for TG, her mom, and my mom. I need to get a card out to Indiana for her little Sister. Small gestures to let them know how much I appreciate them. I called TG and told her I had been approved, which prompted another round of congratulatory phone calls from her mom and sis. It was a stressful day, but it had a great outcome. Finally something in the Army went my way!

Nothing To Report (NTR), captains mast

2006-08-31T09:53:00.000-04:00

So, amazingly nothing has really happened this week. I had been told to expect to go to the officers board either Wednesday or Thursday, and possibly even Friday. Then I got word that it's not happening this week, and may, infact, not happen at all. Apparently, the Army has an issue with my disciplinary record from the Navy. This wasn't an issue when I wanted to enlist, but apparently it has become an issue since I decided to apply for a commission. I suppose a back story is in order here.

At my first duty station I had what effectively amounted to 2 separate chains of command. In order not violate OPSEC, I wont go into specifics about where I worked or what I did, lets just say I didnt always work for the Navy. Anway, in order to take leave, you submitted your leave form through both of them. In this particular incidence, I submitted the form through both and recieved approval from both. If memory serves me correctly, I wanted to depart on leave in a wednesday. On that day, I recieved a phone call from the my Navy COC telling me to stand by, there was a manning issue from the other COC. I was told that I would be able to take my leave as soon as it was sorted out. I recieved no further word from either COC, despite numerous phone calls, so at close of business on Friday, I departed on what I believed was authorized leave. I was called by the command duty officer at home in NY on Sunday, and informed that I was AWOL, and asked wether or not I planned on returning. I was somewhat surprised, and made best possible speed back to my duty station. When I arrived I was told to change into a dress uniform and stand by. I was informed that I was being charged with article 87 (I think...whatever AWOL falls under) of the UCMJ for "failure to follow proper leave check out procedures, and would attend a professional review board that week. I was removed from my position and placed on X-Division (command detail work) untill further notice. Here's where I really FUCKED UP. A professional review board is made up of E7's and above (only enlisted). It's basically your chance to plead your case, eat humble pie and kiss ass. If you do a good job of that, you may not have to continue the process of NJP, it can be settled with a written counseling statement and you can go alon your merry way. Instead of doing this though...I went in all kinds of pissed off, waving my approved leave form around like an ass and basically being a cocky douche-bag. Needless to say, it was decided by this review board that the 3 hours of ass raping they doled out wasn't nearly enough, and I would be passed on up to the XO for an Executive Officers Interview, which is the door step to Captains Mast. I was much more humble during the XOI, in fact I didn't say anything at all, just stood at attention and got my butt stretched again, this time by an officer. He even told me I had disgraced the memory of my best friend ( a sailor, and my housemate, who had been killed a few months prior in a motorcycle accident ). I left the XOI in tears, with his reccomendation that I continue along the path to standing tall in from of the man.

One thing I love about the Navy is its traditions. a Captains Mast is still conducted the same it was 200 years ago. Its published in the plan of the week, and all personnel not on duty are required (or at least encouraged) to attend. everyone stands in a formation in front of a podium, and the members of the review board, and my divisional COC form a sort of horse-shoe formation in front of a podium. When everyone was finally assembled, my sorry ass was marched in, and I stood in front of the podium, at attention, while the captain (CO) reads the charges against you. He then asked me for my side of the story, which I humbly gave, then he asks all the officers and members of the board what they think. Basically they all say that the accused is the biggest sack of shit in the Navy, and he should be shown the door, given a bad conduct discarge (BCD, Big Chicken Dinner), and keel-hauled. This can actually go on quite a while depending on how many officers and chiefs you have managed to piss off. Each one individually tearing you apart. Finally, the XO is the last one to speak, and he says something to the effect that you arent a TOTAL loss, and given the proper dose of punishment, you might be motivated to turn into some kind of decent sailor. The CO then make his descision. In my case is was something like, "Petty Officer B2G, after hearing the testimony of your chain of command, I find that you are, indeed, the biggest shit stain on the skivvies of the Navy, and if the XO hadn't said there was hope for you, you would be swiftly departing the Navy on the end of my shoe. Instead Ill take his reccomendation that you be punished severely, and in fact given the maximum punishment I can give as an 05. I sentence you to a reduction in rate to E3, forfeiture of 2 months pay and allowances, and 30 days confinement (in my case restriction to quarters), and 30 days of extra duty. Report to the Command Duty Officer for orders, dismissed. The disposition of your captains mast is then published in the next Plan of the Week, (which is read daily at muster) so that anyone who missed it gets the whole scoop on your shame and disgrace. All in all, its a humbler. At least they didnt rip the rank off my soulder right there.

So, after that, what did I learn? I learned accountability! I also learned that I had been running around the command acting like an asshole, and enough people were just waiting for me to step on my dick so they could drive it home. If I had made better descisions, like acting like an NCO, and not taking the leave, even though it was approved. If I had not pissed off everyone under the sun, maybe it wouldnt have gotten to that point, It probably would have just been a written counseling and some good advice about pulling my head out of my ass. Did I learn that lesson and apply it? you bet your ass. I eventually was promoted to E4 (again) and then to E5 before I left the Navy entirely. But it appears as if I'm still being punished. Oh well, we'll see what happens.

Holy Plasma's Batman!

2006-08-24T20:53:00.000-04:00

So we have finally started getting inventory for the new store. I have never seen so many gorgeous televisions in one place in my entire life. The smallest one I've had to move has been 40", the biggest so far has been 79". WOW. The good thing about all that is that the store will be impressive, the bad thing is that my back is killing me! Plasma TV's, for as thin as they are, are friggin HEAVY!!!! LCD T.V.'s...very thin, very light, thie first one I tried to move made me think the box was empty. I would love to own one of them....gorgeous....mmmmm...Gears of War would look so good on a brank new 50" Samsung or Pioneer Elite LCD.....sigh...oh well...maybe someday. In news of the wierd...Im actually learning alot and getting some cool experience working at the new store. I get to set everything up in the Home Theater section (where I'll be working) and running all the wiring, learning how to make the cables....how much digital signal an HD tvneeds to have a decent picture...how to figure out how much of that signal is lost by each coupler I make...its been pretty cool, and pretty hands on. I set up a display today for the LCD/Plasma mounts....very cool. B.B really has their shit together when it comes to this sort of thing....everything we have in the store is beautiful. For as much as I bitch about the pay, I'm gettng excited about the store opening and getting everything finally put together.

I officially finished my OCS packet tonight. Turned in my essays, and my letters of reccomendation. It's all getting sent out tomorrow, then I'll go to the board next week, probably Thursday, and then renegotiate and sign a new contract. The full weight of being an officer really hit home tonight. My recruiter asked me a few questions he thought would be a good sample of what the board might ask, and they really got me thinking. I also came torealize that in order to be a truly excellent officer, I have to be better than all my men at everything. I have to have shorter hair, a closer shave and a sharper uniform...everyday. I have to be able to run farther and faster, do more push-ups and sit-ups, march farther with more weight, and shoot straighter than all of the men I expect to follow me. I have to have all the answers to their questions and be able to anticipate their wants and needs. I have to be the example of the soldier that I want them to be...in all aspects of my life. Both professionally and personally. Im beginning to think that there arent enough hours in the day to learn everything I'll need to know. Thank God for NCO's. There's a significant amount of pressure that comes with accepting all of this. It's really an amazing opportunity. I can't imagine the caliber of officer that it takes to be an SF Officer. If Im going to be challenged this much to be a bisic infantry officer, I cant even dream what it must be like to be responsible for an ODA, or to be in charge of some of the missions that they undertake, far away from any guidance from superiors. Absolutely Amazing. Anyway, I'm looking forward to the challenges ahead.

Best Buy

2006-08-22T16:59:00.000-04:00

Sooooo.....its been a few days since I've posted anything, the good news is that I have been keeping pretty busy with my new job at Best Buy. They decided to hire me full time, so no more outrageous medical bills......maybe I can even find a doc to re-check my ears and give me a go on the Airborne Physical and not have to pay through the nose. Then I can renegotiate my contract AGAIN back to 18x....who knows....health insurance opens a world of opportunities.

So I did get a $.25 an hour raise when I moved to full time status. So now Im really raking it in. $8.50 an hour....I never thought I'd see the day. No, really...I seriously never thought I'd see the day I made $8.50 and hour. I'll let you decide wether I was planning on making more or less. So it still looks like I'll be needing a second job untill I finally ship. The sad thing is that the G.I. Bill pays out more than a full time job per month. Holy Smokes. Has anyone seen the series on FX called "30 Days"? It was done by the guy who did "SuperSize Me"? I think his name is Morgan Spurlock. Anyway, he did an episode where he and his Girlfriend tried to live for 30 days on minimum wage (with both of them working). It was pretty informative. Basically, you can't. Ready for a rant? Ok....hang on...here we go.....

Minimum wage is a creation of the modern welfare state and should be abolished along with welfare and Social Security. You might ask why....but I would slap you and point out that I have a minor in economics and wave around that $1.80 piece of paper that I paid $30,000 for. I understand that during the depression, minimum wage, welfare, social security and all the other public assistance programs were necessary because the charities that normally handled the super needy were overwhelmed. Lets look at the world today though. Minimum wage is still around, the problem is that its too low to support anything more than the most basic of lifestyles. In fact, Its too low to support even that. Unless you live with your parents and dont have to pay rent, or for food, you really cant make it on minimum wage. I'm sure it still serves the purpose of keeping the evil empires (like walmart) honest, all it really does is establish a minumum standard of living and create more problems. Well, why not raise it you ask. Good question...funny little problem with that called inflation. See...when everyone is making more money...money becomes worth slightly less....prices go up. So by raising minimum wage, you would be making more money, but it would be worth less, perhaps even to the point that it is worth less than what you were making before it was increased. Another thing minimum wage accomplishes is to keep unskilled jobs wages low. Why should Best Buy pay more than $8.50 an hour for someone with a bachelors degree? They are already paying more than minimum wage and there are plenty of people who would love to make that much. Quite a quandry we have here. If only Adam Smith was still around to put us back on course (www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Invisible_hand).

I'm sure this makes total sense to all the liberals out there(minimum wage...not Adam Smith). I mean, we can always go deeper into debt paying for an education, so we dont have to take a job that pays minimum wage....so we can then earn more money, and pay more taxes to support the welfare state. Genius!

I wont get started on welfare or social security. The vein in my forehead is already throbbing.

New Direction

2006-08-18T10:31:00.000-04:00

Ok, time to take this in a new direction. Maybe time for a new beginning. As an update, for everyone that missed it, my 18x contract is history because of my unsat airborne physical. I still want to join the Army though, and I've decided to try and go the officer route. The only things I need for my OCS packet at this point are the letters of reccomendation (3-6), and my handwritten and typed essay about why I want to be an Army Officer. Well, I have 2 letters of reccomendation and the essay is both typed and written, so one more letter of reccomendation and I'll be heading to the board, where I'll be interviewed by 3 officers. I've heard that this can be either a difficult experience, or just a formality....I'm not sure what to expect, but I'm confident I'll be accepted. After the board makes it's descision, I'll either be staying at Best Buy for life, or getting a new Ship date for the Warrior Transition Course down at Fort Knox. After the WTC comes OCS, then my Branch Officer Basic class, then a duty station.

Does this mean I've given up on SF? Not by a long shot. As soon as I make 1LT, I'll put together my SF packet and try and get a slot for SFAS. Hopefully the Docs on active duty will be more helpful as far as getting me medically qualified for airborne, or should I say un-disqualified for airborne. Who knows, maybe this is the path I'm meant to take. Maybe SF isnt in the cards for me at all, I can't say. I can say that I'll do everything I can to get there and succeed.

Great weekend...not so great week

2006-08-16T15:32:00.000-04:00

So the weekend away was absolutely phenomenal. It really turned out to be everything I had hoped it would be. All we really did was hang out, sleep and read. Perfect. I attempted water skiing yet again...and ended up with a lake water colonic flushing instead. I also managed to lose my Oakley Half Jackets in the process.....but it was a blast none the less. TG and I got the quality time we needed together.

Upon our return, however, things have gotten akward. Before I go all nuts and start ranting about women, I'll make the disclaimer that a significant portion of the current difficulties are my fault. Here's the deal on that:

My parents recently split after 35 or 36 years of marriage. So for the past few months they have been making me play referee, and its gotten to point where I'm so emotionally drained from it, I get confused (emotionally) very easily. My father and I have had a difficult realtionship my entire life. He never really had much use for me. He never was there for me in the traditional sense...we never had any hallmark father/son moments. Not alot of nuturing going on there. In fact he used to beat the living shit out of me whenever he thought I deserved it, which was usually often. I'm not one to whine about a spanking....I actually believe in physical discipline as a teaching tool....as far as the fact that you cant use reason and logic with a child, they dont understand it. For example, you can tell a child not to touch a hot stove, because its hot and they will get burned, but odds are they are going to go ahead and touch it anyway...to test their boundaries. Its how we gain life experience. But you can bet that once they get burned the lesson will hit home. A small amount of physical pain is a great teacher. The military uses this in the form of pushups and various other excercises to discourage inappropriate behavior. It's a rather effective tool. My father, however took physical discipline far, far beyond simply teaching me about unpleasant consequences for my actions. There were bruises, welts, blood and smooshed noses involved usually. He used to hit me so hard he would break blood vessels in his own hand, but that wouldn't stop him, he just pick up something....a belt, or a 2x4, or whatever esle was handy and keep going untill he thought I'd had enough. The sickening thing, and the hardest part for me, is that to this day, he refuses to apologize or even acknowledge that he was wrong for doing that to me. In his mind he was totally justified because I was a "willfull" child. Now the thing you have to understand is that my father is not an aggressive man....he's not a drunk...He's never, ever, hit anyone else besides my mother in his entire life. He laughed at me when I told him I was going to try out for Special Forces. He told me I'd never make it, that I was too weak. He's never been in a fistfight, never stood up to anyone, and can't imagine hwo I do. I stopped speaking to him about a month ago, when he left my mother. I finally realized that I have absolutely no use for him. The down side to this wole thing is that he had told me he'd help me out financially untill I left for the Army. So when we stopped speaking he cut me off. Its fine, I mean I'm almost 30 years old, its about time I got off the tit and went and made my own way in the world anyway. But needless to say, my finances have added another source of stress. I havent had a job since I left the Navy, so by now my savings are almost all gone, and money is a worry.

My mother and I still speak, though. This situation isnt really any better than the one with my father though. She is hurt and afraid of what the future holds for her, and takes it out on me. If I ever get so bold as to disagree with her, I get to hear how much like my father I am. How I dont love her, and I dont car about her. She just uses tears instead of fists. I'd rather have the fists, personally. Physical pain goes away in a matter of moments, emotional abuse is a completely different animal. She preys on my worst fears. That somewhere down deep inside of me, I am like my father. What do you do with yourself when you realize you hate your family? It's a confusing situation.

Now TG tries her ass off to make me happy. She tried to make up for everything thats been done to me. When I have a shitty day she tries to make it better. She gets hurt when I dont respond right away, or when she doesnt get immediate results. She sometimes gets the brunt of my hurt. I've been pretty moody lately. What she doesnt realize is that its not the methods she uses to make me happier that work, its the fact that she cares at all. To have someone in my life that cares about me is more than I've ever had before. I've never been able to depend on anyone else for any kind of emotional support before, never in my life. It's confusing. She's usually victim to huge emotional outpourings, and unfortunately it just confuses her, and its more than she can handle sometimes. Sometimes I'm too short with her, and I dont take her feelings into account when I say somethings. It's not that I dont care about her feelings...I care about them more than anything else in the world....its that all my emotions are one huge, vile, vomitous mass inside me that all comes out at once. I havent learned how to separate everything I'm feeling yet...and when it wants out....its nothing more than a purging. I suppose I have a hard time dealing with everything in the right way. separating individual problems and dealing with them one at a time. In fact, I've made a habit out of not dealing with anything most of my life. I dont run from my problems, I just refuse to acknowledge them, I try to drive on and hope that tomorrow will be better. It's not effective.

On to happier news. Best Buy offered me a full time position, which I accepted. I now get full medical benefits and a raise to $8.50. wow. Try not to be impressed.

Headed for the Hills

2006-08-11T16:02:00.000-04:00

I'm heading up to the Adirondacks for the weekend again, this time with The Girl, for what *should* be a Drama free weekend. She finally has almost an entire weekend off! Holy Smokes! It will be a good time just to hang out and spend time together away from everyone....and NO CELL PHONES! She is in desperate need of a rest, so hopefully She can catch up on her sleep and reading and we can just enjoy the scenery.

I'm pleased to offer my congratulations to JakeCommando and Shamrock7 on successfully completing their internship at the slap factory. They are both one step closer to the getting their tabs.

Thats all for now...back Sunday Night!

A Death in the Family

2006-08-07T11:29:00.000-04:00

Unfortunately, I suffered a crippling personal loss recently. My beloved iPod gave up the ghost :( . I was happily listening to some tunes when it just up and died. On the screen, only a sad face with 2 x's for eyes could be seen. After visiting apples tech support website and unsuccessfully attempting to restore it, I asked The Girl to take it with her to the mall, so that the Bozo's at the apple store there could take a shot at it. Unfortunately, they were unable to resurrect my faithful companion. Nothing to be done. Pain and Anguish.

The worst part about it is that the iPod mini (my model) has been replaced by the iPod Nano, so they aren't really producing them anymore. Like the good little consumer I am, I purchashed all the accessories for it, thinking we'd be together forever. So now Im stuck with an iTrip mini and a dock for the Mini, and a remote control......and no iPod mini. Ebay might be the answer.

God only knows when I'll be able to get a new one... they dont come cheap. So I remain Tuneless for the time being...chained like a slave to my home stereo...*Sob*

1000+ hits

2006-08-04T08:55:00.000-04:00

Wow, my blog has over 1000 views. Pretty cool! Apparently people out in the blogosphere are reading it. Hopefully they are enjoying it!

If you have left a comment, but you dont see your own blog linked on the right...its because I'm a Lazy Bastard! Rest assured that I will get around to linking you, Im reading all the blogs of the people that leave comments, and I'm really enjoying them.

In other news...I finally Broke 250,000 points in Geometry Wars. For those of you not in the know...its a game on Xbox Live Arcade, probably my Favorite game on the Xbox 360 so far, although Ghost Recon: Advanced Warfighter is running a close second. Im kinda burned out on Halo 2, but I cant wait for Halo 3! Since it looks like I'll be around for the Gears Of War release, I'm trying to organize a release Party!! Most likely to be held at my Apartment...if I'm still living here in November. I have 2 humongous Televisions for the event, a 30" widescreen and a 36 inch standard aspect ratio T.V. all lined up, so if you want to come enjoy some gaming, pizza and beer...drop me a line and I'll let you know the particulars. You can even be involved from home if you have an Xbox Live account. Send me your Gamertag and I'll send you a friend request and you can be a "virtual" guest at the premiere party.

Enough geek talk though, on to news about the Army. My struggles continue. I have decided that in the event of my not passing the Airborne Physical a second time, that I will submit an officer package. I've already started working on one....at least the gathering up of the 3-6 Letters of Reccomendation I'll need for my package. I'm planning on shooting for Infantry as my branch, although my recruiter seems to think that I'll get the M.I. branch because of my clearance and experience. It shouldnt matter much because everything I have been told concerning SFAS says that the Branch doesn't matter, but I'd like Infantry if I can get it. I think it would give me my best shot at SFAS, and most likely the kind of experience I'll need to be successful there. My training is continuing, albeit at a slower pace now that I'm not leaving in September. My calluses are in rough shape...still all split apart and bleeding...kinda gross...but toughening up all the same.

Thats it for now...I'll post more as it happens!

The Aftermath

2006-07-31T08:56:00.000-04:00

Aaaaah Harbor Fest.....another one comes to a close. This year I actually took it easy and my involvement in the debauchery was kept to a minimum. This is a good thing. The Girl came up for the Firewirks and got to meet some of my Bro's. I suppose that was somewhat of an eye-opening experience for her. It usually is for most people, haha. It can be a little overwhelming, but she was a real trooper and managed to have a good time I think. The drunken Fraternity house is not really her scene....which is not a bad thing at all. I guess I should give a little explanation:

Every year, Playboy Magazine ranks colleges for their performnace as party schools. This year SUNY Oswego wasn't ranked because Playboy deemed it unfair to rank the Professionals at Oswego against Amateurs. Now amp that up by a factor of 10 and you have an idea of what life can be like during Harbor Fest around the Fraternity house. Hehe....That really says something about how we do business here. Fortunately ( or maybe unfortunately ) as my 30th Birthday approaches, I find myself less drawn to the usual attractions (booze and girls), and more drawm to just spending time with old friends. I saw a few guys I pledged with, 10 years ago now, and it's great to see that they are doing well, and for the most part happy with their lives.

It was really nice to able to take The Girl to the Fireworks. Every year, the Nuke plant ( we actually have 3 reactors within 9 miles!) pays the Grucci Brothers about a million dollars ( I think that number is right, but who knows?) for the Fireworks. The really cool thing about that is that they are launched from break wall in the harbor, which is about 75 yards directly behind the Fraternity house. Its pretty spectacular to climb up on the roof and watch them from there...right in your face! Its a priceless experience and one I'm really glad I got to share with someone important to me.

We had some pretty severe weather during the day, so I didn't get to spend much time with my recruiter at the Army booth. I'm slightly bummed about that. My recruiter has really done alot to help me out in my journey into the Army, and I'd like to give him a hand whenever possible. In my opinion he has really gone above and beyond duty as far as everything he's done for me. I think he probably has the toughest job in the Army!

Back to Harbor Fest news....I had several "house guests" this weekend, thanks to the roomate. I really dont mind that at all, except when they drool on my damn Micro-fiber throw pillows!!!! That kinda irritated me, but I guess it was bound to happen. Small price to pay for the amount of fun I had.

Harbor Fest and Best Buy

2006-07-28T20:22:00.000-04:00

So today marks the beginning of the yearly event known around these parts as Harbor Fest! Always a good time. I get to catch up with some of my Fraternity Brothers that I dont get see nearly often enough, the beer flows freely and there is an absolutely spectacular fireworks show. I'll be working at the Army recruiting booth during the day, trying to encourage other folks to join up and fight the good fight. At night however, I will be enjoying the nice cold beer and good company the occasion brings.

Since I most likely wont be shipping in September, as I had planned, I decided it was past time I got a job. There is a new Best Buy store opening in August, so I filled out an application and got hired there today. The pay is Garbage, but it will let me stretch out my savings untill I can either get cleared medically for 18x, or my officer package is finished and I find out if I'll be going to OCS. Either way I'm a winner. The funny thing about the Best Buy interview was that they had no idea what to make of my resume. The guy doing the interview actually asked me what Cryptology was....jeez...how do you explain that? They also flipped out over my degree. They are getting one hell of an educated employee for $8.25 an hour...part time. They brought up management training more than once, and I pretended to be interested.....I need the job. In the meantime though, I'll be selling high end home theater equipment. The store I'll be working at is a "Magnolia" store, and targets a more upscale demographic. We actually did case studies on Best Buy in school, specifically the way they cater the contents of the stores to target certain demographics. I mentioned this to the interviewer and he almost cried tears of joy that someone understood the concept. I guess most people just ask what the fuck a "magnolia" store is. I see a very large, thin, high definition telelvision thanks to a pretty sweet employee discount in my near future.

I talked to a civilian doctor about my ears and he said that sometimes the timpanic membrane doesn't move when your ears pop. He had some fancy term for the parts of your ears and explained the whole thing to me, but the proper terminology escapes me. Basically it means that if the timpanic membrane doesnt move so the MEP's doctor can see it, I'm kinda screwed, but it doesnt mean there's anything wrong with my ears...which I already knew.... Unfortunately the only note can provide is one that says something to effect of "everyone's phsyiology is different and they should take my word for it that my ears pop". I dont think that is going to carry much weight, I'm kind of under the impression that if they were going to take my word for it they would have done so during my temper tantrum at MEP's.

Another Minor annoyance is the fact that they want me to take the DLAB again. GRRRRRRR! I am already a DOD certified Linguist, in Arabic. I brought all my diplomas and transcripts from the DLI to MEP's with me, in addition to my training record that has my previous DLAB score on it. I also brought my most recent DLPT test results with me (they are almost 2 years old now). I was fortunate enough to be able to attend JLTC Ogden's refresher class in August of 04 when I was in the Navy Reserves and I scored a 2/1+, which surpasses the SF language requirements. Not to mention that the DLPT is given in Modern Standard Arabic(MSA), which isnt a spoken language (every country/region has its own dialect). I also brought my Iraqi Dialect training sertificate with me to wave around. I was also trained in Levantine (Syrian) dialect. I spent the majority of my time on active duty working with the Iraqi/Gulf dialects and I'm quite profficient in them, much more so than in MSA. I've had Oral Proficiency Interviews (OPI's) in Iraqi/Gulf Dialect when I was considering the contractor route, but no documented scores for them. This is totally a minor irritation, but it ruffles my feathers all the same. If anyone has ever taken the DLAB, you'll understand. Its a test that Guages your ability to learn a foriegn language. Its not given in any real foriegn language...just some funny symbols that are representative of a foriegn language. A very weird test....destined to give me a helluva headache.

More updates as news happens...I'm pretty much in a state of Limbo untill I can figure out whats going on.

Unsat Airborne Physical

2006-07-26T10:39:00.000-04:00

So yesterday I went to MEP's to have my ears looked at for my Airborne Physical. It did not go well. Apparently the doc there, who closely resembled Yoda, didn't see an movement in my timpanic membrane when I popped my ears. Now, before I get all crazy I need to mention that while I was on active duty in the Navy, I got damn near every physical for special duty they had. I had to in order to accept Direct Support Orders. I've had subsurface and flight physicals within the past 3 years, and never had a problem before. Needless to say, this puts a damper on any of my Plans in the Army. The 18X contract is almost as good as gone, I'm going to try and schedule another Airborne Physical, but I'm not very hopeful that the doc's vision will improve. I know I have been talking alot about going the officer route....but Airborne is an important qual to have for promotion in any Combat Arms Officer branch, it has from what I hear become fairly essential to career progression past Captain. So that leaves non-Combat Arms Branches. Not really what I'm looking for. It goes without saying that I have no shot at SFAS without a SAT Airborne Physical. Something tells me that an Active Duty Army doc would be able to see that my ears are fine, so hopefully, If I do lose my 18X contract, get accepted to OCS, and get a Combat Arms branch, I will then be able to pass an Airborne Physical.

I know I have been griping alot about things lately....I've been nervous, and when I get nervous I tend to bitch alot....but I never thought that I wouldn't be physically qualified for SF. I've never even had an ear infection. This is a major setback! It's definately discouraging. I keep faith that things will work out though.

The Fear of Failure

2006-07-22T12:34:00.000-04:00

So maybe the officer thing is just me chickening out. I'm not sure. As my ship date approaches...I cant help feeling that I am woefully under prepared. My run time is still is still garbage, and my push-ups and sit-ups are weak to put it mildly. Drama on the home front with my parents has me thinking of everything but selection, I cant seem to keep my head in the game at all lately. Maybe I'm just grasping at straws here. Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck out in the middle of the ocean, treading water...and my arms are getting tired. Too much going on right now for me to handle. I start thinking that if I cant even handle life as a civilian, how the hell am I going to make it through selection? How the hell am I even going to make it TO selection? Im not even sure I can make it into BAC at this point. I'm weak, and apparently not just physically. These traits are not compatible with the Special Forces.

I'm writing all this down and blogging about it to get it all out my head. Everytime I try to sit down and relax and actually think about things...my mind is all over the place. Writing about it helps. It helps me organize my thoughts...bring order to chaos.

The girl situation is up and down, back and forth. I put too much pressure on her I think. All this mess with my family just makes me want to start my own family, one that works. So instead of just enjoying our last few weeks together, she gets to see me all wound up and emotional, thinking about the future instead of living in the present. I know she cares about me, probably too much for her own good at this point. She's so concerned about me being happy she worries herself sick, and with everything else going on in her life, she really can't afford to be doing that. A source of confusion and worry is not the role I want to play in her life. I keep talking about our future together, and she's not ready to hear that. I try to remind myself that its a marathon, not a sprint. Sometimes it helps, other times it doesn't. Timing sucks on this one. I think Im losing an opportunity at something great. I'm torn. Keep goign the SF route? Or look for something more stable and take a gamble that a relationship with her doesnt work out. I want to set us up for success, I want to do everything I can to give a chance at a relationship with her the best possible odds. I know that a Green Beret and SF tab on my shoulder wouldn't make me feel any better about losing her.

So on to the OCS thing. OCS has been a goal of mine since I was in the Navy. I got out of the Navy to pursue my degree specifically for that reason. I had planned on submitting an OCS package after this enlistment anyway. I'll have 11 years in at that point, and I might as well gut out another 9 and retire at 43...not too shabby. So in 9 years, I figure I'll have to be at least a Captain, and their retirement is a hell of alot better than any enlisted man's anyway. Might as well capitalize right? Might as well make better money along the way too. Officers lead a way better style of life...but it's so much more political...and I fucking hate that. Pro's and Con's to everything.

I guess in the end it all boils down to me being afraid. Im not afraid of physical pain or discomfort, I'm afraid of failing and ending up hating my life stuck in some infantry unit in Korea. I'm afraid I'll never get to start a family. I'll never get to be the father mine should have been to me. I think I should hire a life coach or something.

Can Anyone tell me why I dont want to be an Officer?

2006-07-21T11:33:00.000-04:00

So I was looking at the FY 2006 pay scale today. Since I'm going in to the Army as a Specialist (E4), I thought I would see how much I can expect to get paid. As it turns out....it aint much....at all. I have to start payments on my student loans in the very near future, since I didnt qualify for any tuition repayment, or enlistment bonuses. I didnt even get the Bonus for having my degree. So lets use a little deductive reasoning.

Q: Why did I bother to pay $30,000 to get my degree
A: In order to make a better living

Q: What does an E4 with >6 make in an Army of one?
A: 2018.40 before taxes

Q: What Does an O1E make with >6 in an Army of One?
A: 3246.30 before taxes

So theres a pretty big disparity in monetary compensation there. I can tell you all one thing definitively, I did not get my degree to go be poor and not be able to pay my bills. I didnt do it so that everything I own could rot in storage while I wait to make E7, or get married so I can get BAH.

I have said before that I didnt enlist as an 18X for the money. There's more to life than money, than the pursuit of money. Its not like Im going to get rich as an officer either, but at least I'd be able to pay my debts. I can go SF as an officer as well. I dont know. I dont know why I got a degree in management if I wasn't going to take a job with a leadership position. Would I be of more use as an officer or a specialist? There are so many things to consider.

Back to it

2006-07-19T09:57:00.000-04:00

So I finally got to see a Doctor yesterday. He pretty much confirmed that I had hives, and he didnt know why either. Brilliant. Great way to spend $220. It wasnt a total loss though, some good did come of that visit....but I wont eleaborate here...hehe. Anyway, got back to rucking yesterday, and managed a decent pace. 2.5 miles, 45 lbs., 38:53. Still a little light and slow, but not bad for my first day back after a long break. I managed to shred apart both of my hard earned calluses, so my heels are once again a bloody mess. Maybe the new calluses will be better. I bought some DR. Scholls Blister treatment, basically kinda like an "invisible" bandage you slap on it and forget about...allegedly it will fall off by itself when its over. I dunno about that, but what I do know is that these suckers work! No pain from blisters at all when wearing one of these. a pretty sweet deal if I do say so myself.

Nothing much to else to say except that my day started off right...still smiling....the sun is shining....and I've got some walking to do

Who Dares, Wins

2006-07-17T08:55:00.000-04:00

I've come to see recently exactly how true this is. It's the motto of the British SAS, and I can see the truth of it when I apply it to my own life. I have been thinking alot about success lately, and what constitutes it. I have slowly come to realize that success lies within the effort. That there is no such thing as failure if you really try, if you give 100%. It's the giving of 100% that's the hard part. The natural reaction for humans to pain is to stop whats causing the pain. To listen to that little voice in your head that is telling you to stop. It starts out as a whisper at first...just a small voice that tells you that you might want to think about a rest soon, to take a break, regroup. As you go on it becomes more and more persistant, untill finally it is screaming at you that you absolutely, positively cannot go on, that you cannot deal with it any longer. It's what you do when you reach that point that matters. Do you shut that voice out? Scream back at it to shut up, that you CAN go on, and that nothing can stop you? Or do you listen to it, let it convince you that you really can't, that the whole thing was a stupid idea, a fantasy. Do you allow yourself to be beaten, by your own inner voice? I will never regret choosing this path as long as when it get to that point, I can beat back that voice, I can drive on, push through it and persevere. Sometimes I think that I am the luckiest man in the world. I have the opportunity now to pursue all my dreams. I have people in my life who encourage me, tell me I can, mentor me, inspire me. Right now in my life, there is alot of....intensity. Sometimes I wish everything was simpler....easier, smoother. Then I remember that the success of my endeavors lies within the effort I put in to them. I shouldn't run from intensity or difficutly....I should embrace it. It is good to feel. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed....there is so much going on...so many challenges to face, and changes to adapt to. I realized that thats why I choose this path. To avoid the stagnation that comes from not changing, not adapting, from accepting things the way they are, and never putting up a fight or taking a stand. The only way the world will ever know you existed is if you defy it. If you take a stand and savagely fight for what you want. To defy what others "expect" of you, and decide what you expect from yourself. In the end....its your own face you look at in the mirror. I am determined to be able to that with my shoulders back and my chin high. This isn't just about SFAS, or the Army, it's about everything in my life right now. See? Luckiest man alive!

The Hives continue

2006-07-15T13:22:00.000-04:00

Still have Hives, I'm beginning to wonder if thats what it really is at all. Maybe it's some kind of infection. I have no clue. The benadryl isnt touching them anymore...no effect at all, but it makes me sleepy...so I've pretty much just been wandering around in a drug induced haze. I'm going to make a doctors appt. monday and see when they can get me in for some blood work....maybe they will be able to tell me whats wrong. In other weird news, the tips of the first two fingers on my left hand are all numb and tingly...and my middle right finger as well....I have no idea what could be causing that to happen. weird. I'm a little scared to go see a doctor though, what if he tells me it's something that could DQ me from Special Forces? What the hell will I do then? I've kinda been hoping it would clear up on its own, but since that isnt happening, I guess I have no choice, cross your fingers! The foot feels good though!

I have managed to go a full 2 days without a ciggarette. It's not easy, but hey...I might need my lungs in the near future. Maybe it will even help with my run time. I'm still trying to lose some weight, I think that Lighter is Faster too. The sooner I dont have to run around carry all this blubber the better. Maybe it will make my Ruck feel a little lighter as well.

I have to run to the mall today for a couple items. I need a new headphones for my iPod, the original ones finally gave up the ghost...sound like crap! I'm also picking up a little gift for someone. ooooh....secret. I also have to go back to the sunglass hut and see if they will give me the right bag for new Oakleys I bought for my mom yesterday. She saw my Crosshairs a while ago and really like them, so I bought her a pair, and she lost them. Oh well. I thought it would be nice to get her another pair to replace them. The problem is that I was so doped up I wasn't paying any attention when the girl at the store gave me the wrong bag! The crosshairs need one of the large bags with a white string, she gave me a small bag with a black string. WTF! to make matters worse, it had all kinds of parts for a different pair of glasses in it. I guess she didnt notice that when she was trying to jam the new glasses into a bag that was too small. Oh well.

There goes my Hero

2006-07-14T08:38:00.000-04:00

So I thought today I would post a little about some of the other Blogs I read. Jake Commando and Shamrock7 are off to the "slap factory", it's their last hurdle before they both earn their Tab's. These are the guys I want to be. These are the guys I look up to. Anyway, enough Hero worship. I have surprisingly little news today, I'm still covered in hives....they dont itch though...just looks bad....dunno what the deal is there. In my training related news, I've been an absolute Lazy Ass for 3 days now....Hives or not....its time to get to it...I have a few days to make up for now. On the upside, I think the Blister Boots are finally broken in, or at least they dont hurt anymore. Sweet.

I love the taste of shoe leather

2006-07-13T09:28:00.000-04:00

Open mouth, Insert foot. Right. Anyway...today I am covered in Hives....from what Im not sure, I think the girls at Dunkin Donuts poisoned me with Equal today instead of my normal Splenda. I didnt even know that I was allergic to Equal, but I'm not sure what else it could be. Good news on the foot front, I was having some pain in the top of my left foot.. from my big toe back to my ankle. I was afraid that I was getting a stress fracture, but today it feels much better. Since I'm sitting today out due to my Hives, that gives me 2 whole days without a Ruck...I dont know if I like that. I know I dont in fact. Oh well, time spent preventing an injury now will hopefully pay off. Since I'm off today, I figured I'd make up a little list of Bad-Ass schools I'd like to go to if I'm successful at SFAS and the Q course.

1) Special Operations Target Interdiction Course (SOTIC). As I understand it, this is basically a Special Ops "sniper" course. I've always wanted to do something like this. Im not necessarily into the whole 1 shot, 1 kill mentality....I hope I never have to kill anyone. I just want to learn to be sneaky. And being able to shoot from from far away and hit stuff would be cool. Its definately a neat sounding school.

2) Special Forces SCUBA course. I like the water, I always have..and the New Combat Diver badge looks cool.

3) Military Free Fall school (MFF) - whats that you say? I'm scared shitless of the BASIC Airborne course? Why would I want to go to HALO school? well, thats a good question. I dont know. I should do stuff that scares me. Face my fears and conquer them. Overcome. Its another challenging school, and the MFF badge is even cooler than the Combat Diver Badge!

4) Ranger School- What Infantryman couldn't benefit from attending ranger school? Especially since I wont have a chance to build a strong Infantry background before SFAS, I think this school is essential to my success. I should go to Ranger School before I go to SFAS. Oh well, I guess I'll have to wait. I do feel that attending ranger school would make me a better, more proficient soldier.

I suppose that any and oll of these schools will make me a better soldier. And thats what I really want to be.

Official Retraction

2006-07-12T11:16:00.000-04:00

Ok, I've decided to print an official retraction concerning the Female Situation. Sarah...this is for you.

Yes, I have been having a few whiney posts about my love life lately. Its not supposed to be what this blog is about, its supposed to be about my transformation from zero to hero. I have been totally focused on this whole SF process, to the point that I have tuned everything else in my life out. My parents impending divorce...all of it. It was a huge descision to give up on trying to nurse my parents through this. I've ALWAYS been close with my parents, it is only through their love and support that I have met with any of the success I have enjoyed so far. I thought that if I was going to be successful at SFAS, I had to give up everything else. And I did, sometimes I'm ashamed of that, but I felt it was time that I finally really and truely left the nest, and began my own journey through life. I felt that it was time to stop worrying about everyone else and start addressing my own flaws, before I start using everyone else as an excuse for never doing anything all the way. Time to make a real committment and begin the relentless pursuit of excellence. Then I started seeing Sarah.

Its not like I just met some random girl and totally went ass-over-tea kettle nuts about her. Thats not it at all. I've known Sarah for I'd have to say about 20 years. Thats 2/3 of my life that I've known her. I've had feelings for her for a big portion of that time, strong feelings. I've gone on with my life...we've gone on...apart...each on their own path. Each of us having triumphs and failures, but apart. Then our paths crossed again. Right as I'm about to leave for the Army. The timing here isn't the best. My greatest fear becomes a reality. Something I can't walk away from. Something that means more to me than anything else. It's not that I've given up on my dreams of becoming a Special Forces Soldier. I haven't by any stretch. But what do you do when you meet someone who makes your dreams change? That scares the shit out of me. It really turned my world upside down and made me aware that I've had tunnel vision. The right person will do that I suppose. They dont really change your dreams I guess, They enhance them.

So the story continues...we start talking...then spending a little time together. The usual back and forth begins...neither one of us is sure what we want from the other one...things go back and forth. She has fears....I have fears. She thinks maybe that I will go away and love the Army more than her, or that distance will make me forget about her. So finally I was so frustrated and emotional I just told her that I'd had a crush on her for about 15 years. Time and distance have never had any effect on that. They never will. As much as I thought she was complicating my life, she was really making it alot simpler.

My whole mentality right now is to go for it, Sieze every opportunity...thats what the whole 18x program is for me. I dont want to be an old man in rocking chair looking back on my life and regretting not trying out for it when I had the chance. Always wondering if I had what it takes to be the best. Wondering if I could ever really pour my heart and soul into something and go full out...if I could ever reach my potential. So when The opportunity arose for me to start a relationship with Sarah, I decided to apply the same philosophy, go for broke. Cast or Tab. I never thought she would make it so easy though. All the frustration came from finally having an opportunity to do something I'd always wanted to do, alot like the wrestling I did with deciding to enlist again. That of course happened before this blog began.

I remember writing that maybe I was afraid of failure, but terrified of success. Its the same thing with Sarah. Meeting someone that makes you want to be better can be a little disorienting. I'm scared of her sometimes. Scared that maybe I wont live up to her. I wont be enough. Just like Special Forces. Not a very romantic comparison I guess, but its a theme with me I'm realizing. Im scared of Disappointing her. The same way I'm scared of making it through the SF pipeline and Screwing up on a team. I'm realizing that its not bad to have those fears, as long as they drive us to make sure they never come true.

No matter what the outcome of this relationship is, I wont have any regrets about going for it. I wont wind up an old man in a rocking chair wondering what would have happened if I'd tried. I sleep better now.

Pain in the foot

2006-07-12T10:10:00.000-04:00

After taking my Ruck out for its daily walk yesterday...the top of my left foot was killing me! Its kind of an internal pain, no marks on the foot or anything...I'm desperately hoping its not the beginning of a fracture. Now bear in mind that I have been doing my Rucks mainly on paved roads and sidewalks, and doing at least 2.5 miles a day as fast as I can. The Ruck is now weighing in at a healthy 45 lbs (proabaly a little more considering it has been soaking wet form all this damn rain!), and I'm thinking that I have exceeded my Sneakers tolerances. It's probably time to get the boots into full usage, if I can ever get them broken in. I'm honestly thinking I may have gotten the wrong size....maybe I should have gone with an 8w instead of the 8 1/2w. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten the wides at all. I dont know, but I'll need to have this all figured out before I ship. My calluses are coming along quite nicely though. In good news, Im finally under 200lbs! I weighed in at 199 yesterday, the lightest I've been in a few years. I havent exactly been obese, but I have definately been carrying a little extra baggage around that I didnt need. Now I wont have to go through the humiliation of being taped after a weight in. I'm actually pretty happy about that, the little Belly is shrinking and my legs and hips are getting alot of definition. 7 more weeks or so untill I ship, so I should be in much better shape!

The thing that really bums me out about the foot is that I cant run on it when its all messed up like this, and I REALLY need to work on my running. BAD. It's the one thing that could keep me out of SFAS and even Airborne. I will be so dissappointed if I cant even begin the courses because I cant score high enough on the damn PT test. Push ups and sit ups dont worry me....I'll be doing PLENTY of those in OSUT, I can garuntee that. Probably pull-ups too. And SOPC1 or the SFPC (whatever they are calling it now) will be upperbody intensive, beyond a doubt. But running is my weak point. I hate it because of that. Oh well, enough whining...time to knock out a few push-ups!

Mt. Azure

2006-07-09T17:37:00.000-04:00

So I got home last night from my little trip up into the Adirondacks. I really love it up there! Spent a nice quite night communing with nature and then did a hike up Mt. Azure. The trail is 2 miles long (round trip) and goes up 944 feet vertically. Its definately a nice workout. The really good news is that I lugged the Ruck up all the way, and even managed to bring a stone up in it (there's a rock pile they are trying to move to the top to help stop erosion). My legs felt great, but I thought my heart was going to explode. I suppose I should do some more cardio! (actually, any at all would probably help.) I'm also happy to say that the blisters, while still a little raw, are alot better. I wore plain hiking boots on the trail, and still had a little "sensation" in my heels, but no damage done. I'm really hoping for a nice set of calluses before I ship to OSUT, otherwise, when I get there my feet will get all torn up again, and once training really begins I dont want to have to take time off for an injury.

In other news, my personal life remains in a state of flux. I had a big huge rant written, but I deleted it because it's just more whining and crying about women. Nobody wants to hear that crap! I have had a few moments that made me raise an eyebrow this past week though. I guess it keeps my life interesting.

I did do something fun this morning though...I watched Rambo! Thats right, the first one, the original. HAHAHA.....it was Awesome. I really like the part where the SF Officer goes off on his little rant about how they are dealing "With a man who has been trained to ignore weather, ignore pain....trained to eat stuff that would make a billy goat puke!" HAHA thats classic. Next on my list of fun movies is The Green Berets, starring none other than THE DUKE himself. I've seen it a few times, but it always cracks me up. Maybe I'll make that a reward for my next long training day.

Headed for the Hills

2006-07-07T12:49:00.000-04:00

Ok, Im getting ready to head north for the rest of the weekend. I have my ruck packed up, some nicely broken in hiking boots, plenty of water and bug spray. If I can figure out how to post pics here, I'll hang some up when I get back! Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Good Day

2006-07-06T23:09:00.000-04:00

So, Im officially kicking my own ass. Yesterday I did a 6 mile ruck, then went and ran two miles, and did another two miles with the Ruck. Legs were a wee bit tired today, but its worth it. I need alot more running though, my 2 mile time is pretty friggin awful. If I dont fix that I wont even make it out of OSUT, never mind airborne. Even getting to Selection is going to be a battle for me. I suppose its just the beginning of a never ending struggle. Speaking of never ending struggles....women. Must have been wearing my "fuck with my head, please" hat again today. Haha....the most insane thing about this situation is that this girl is doing all this via TEXT message. Holy Guacomole! Who the hell does that? I'm starting to believe this is a punishment from God for my misspent youth. Or maybe Im already dead and in purgatory. Who knows?
Anyway...I'm heading off into the Adirondacks for some quality time with my good friend mister Rucksack and some mountains. Im getting tired of walking along the side of the road and being close to cell towers. I few days in the hills and some pain will give me a chance to clear my head a little (hopefully). If nothing else, my Rage pushes me even harder, so I'll either come through this with a solid relationship or a stronger set of legs. Either way I win.

Independence Day

2006-07-04T22:48:00.000-04:00

So, I spent this Independence day with my family, exactly where I should have! What a great day. It was pretty nice to be able to realx and spend time with the people I care about. I really wished my sister had been able to make it today, but it just wasn't in the cards. Spending time with my family really took my mind off of some of the personal issues that have been crapping up my life lately, and shifting my focus from where it should be...on Special Forces. I cannot remember any major descision in my adult life that a woman has not come along and totally made about ten thousand times more difficult. Whats up with that? I must have a huge target painted on my back or somethang that says "obviously content, please confuse". The worst part about it is that I fall for it every single time. What a bunch of baloney. It sometimes seems to be that the very nature of women is to distract and confuse. The whole situation just makes me want to get too OSUT and get the ball rolling ASAP. I'm sure they will keep me busy enough in the SF pipeline where I won't even have time to think about women. Thank God I'm not married. Or maybe things would be easier if I was married to the right woman....see? confusing. Oh well...anyway, tomorrow its back to work...the blisters are as better as I can let them get for now...I miss my Rucks! You know your life is getting complicated when you subject yourself to physical pain to distract yourself. Bring on Selection!

Blister heels

2006-07-01T02:24:00.000-04:00

So, I discovered that I can get on base and shop in the PX with my silly little DEP ID. WOOHOO! They sell all sorts of cool stuff in there! I bought some socks (green wool ones), boots, a complete ruck, a little flashlight with a red L.E.D. and a map case. Man, they sell all kinds of cool camelbacks and go-faster stuff in there, but I stuck to the essentials. So today, despite instructions to the contrary, I decided to try out my new boots. BIG FRIGGIN MISTAKE! I am now the proud owner of two silver dollar sized blisters on each heel. Can you say DUMBASS? oh well, now I know first hand why they say not to ruck in brand new boots. Anyway, I also went to my recruiters office and talked with him for a while. All in all, not a bad day. I have actually come to like my daily ruck's. it really gives me a chance to get some tension out of my system. It starts to feel good after a while. The pain goes away and I start to get that endorphin rush and feel like a tough guy. hehe....its good for me at this point....building the confidence I'll need for later. On the up side, the blisters will give me an excuse to focus on upperbody training for a few days, which I have been neglecting. Im trying to do every push-up perfectly. I go slow. This makes them extremely difficult for me. But practice makes perfect only if its perfect practice, right?

14:56

2006-06-26T23:24:00.000-04:00

Finally! I finally did my daily Ruck route in under 15 minutes! This a a small victory for me becasue I have been getting frustrated with not being able to do it. The route I travel is all along main roads, so I'm on pavement the whole time, and I'm only carrying 35 lbs...conditions will never be this perfect again, so not being able to hit the 15 minute/mile pace has been getting on my nerves. Now that I have done it, I need to be able to do it consistantly....my next goal is to do 15 min./mile every time for the next 3 marches, then I'm going to to set another goal of 14:30 or faster. Baby steps. I'm also planning on upping the distance and weight this week.

I finally recieved the copy of "Get Selected" I ordered today. I've looked through it and it has ALOT of good information. It's a great resource. I've also been looking at the forums on professionalsoldiers.com and reading every post I can. With access to so much information, I really have no excuses. I have all the information I need to not only succeed, but to do well. I reccomend anyone who is considering Special Forces, to visit warrior-mentor.com to get a copy of Get Selected, airborneranger.com, and professionalsoldiers.com. Even if you are not considering a career in SF, but in the military in general, there is alot of good advice to be found at these places.

8 Mile

2006-06-23T23:41:00.000-04:00

Well, I did my 8 mile ruck last night, and I have to say it went well. I'm still not carrying enough weight or going fast enough, or probably even far enough....but it's a beginning. It wasn't even really that bad. I am getting tired of walking on pavement though...it really starts to hurt my feet. Anyway, my little trip ended at a friends beach house on the lake, man it was nice to go for a swim after that. I ended up camping out on their deck, I really enjoyed listening to water all night. There was also a great breeze blowing out in from the lake, so it was nice and cool. All in all a very pleasant experience, but I am sore today. The abrasion on my hip has definately gotten worse..its all weepy and sticks to the waistband of pants...so every time I move it rips the scab off again...grrr....that gets old fast! I had a Guiness to celebrate the end of my trip, and its a good thing we only had 1 each because it tasted waaaaay too good. Its been a while since I really got into it with a few Guiness, and last night it really would have been welcome. Oh well, I guess I should stick to water anyway. Oh before I forget...my total time was 2:23 for the 8 miles, and I carried ~35lbs. just for the record!

Every step is a victory

2006-06-21T21:36:00.000-04:00

I took yesterday off because my lower back was getting upset with me, but did another march today and added 10 pounds. It feels good to be doing something. One thing I've noticed is that the first mile is the hardest, getting used to the ruck, finding my pace, getting a good sweat going. After that though...it actually starts to feel good. I'm not quite going fast enough yet, but I am getting faster every day. I'm doing about a 15:30 per mile pace, I want to get that down to around 14:00, with more weight over a longer distance. I think that Im going to stop adding weight at the 60lb mark. I've read on several site's that anything more is asking for an injury. just over 10 weeks until I ship out, so I have to train aggressively. I'm surprised that I'm not losing weight! I'm still at 205 lbs. despite all the running around I'm doing. Maybe thats a good thing. Anyway, I have noticed that I have a really positive attitude when I'm excercising, it's mainly when I'm laying in bed at night that the doom and gloom comes. I suppose that has alot to do with the endorphines released during the excercises. I suppose the solution is more excercise! Tomorrow I'm doing just over 8 miles. My dad and I are going to a friends beach house and spending the night there. Its not really much of a beach house...more like a very spartan cabin, but I'm marching all the way up there, and probably back as well. I'll be taking the EMS for this one instead of the Ruck, my goal for time is just over 2 hours. We'll see what happens.

Shoulders lament.

2006-06-19T00:41:00.000-04:00

So for the last 4 days or so, I have been doing 5 miles a day with 30 pounds in my Rucksack. First day was easy.....I thought I needed more weight! Next day was a little tougher....and today was the toughest yet. Im really starting to feel it in my legs and especially in my shoulders. It REALLY feels good to be doing it though, I finally feel like I have a little direction. My confidence improves with every mile I put behind me. One cool thing about it is that I've been able to spend alot more time with my Dad. He rides his Bike along next to me and we get to talk. He has decided to be my coach, this is both good and bad but mostly good. He was shocked, to put it mildly when I enlisted in the Navy, and I think he came close to a heart attack when I enlisted in the Army. Especially when I told him I decided to try out for Special Forces. I have been reading and lurking around a few forums, mainly www.airborneranger.com and www.professionalsoldiers.com and getting all the info I can on what I should be doing to get ready. Today I showed him some of the posts concerning Rucking and SFAS at professional soldiers and he sort of panicked. I guess he thought I was making it all up..haha. He got a little upset and at one point said to me "After you go through all this, you're not going to be the same person." That actually bothered me. I have been thinking about that all night in fact and I've drawn a few conclusions. Yes. It will change me. Hopefully not to the point where I'm not the same person, but to the point where I finally realize my full potential. All my life I've been told how much potential I have, and up to this point, I haven't really done much with it. Thats a big part of wanting to go through this for me. Finally seeing what my limits are. Surpassing the status quo. I dont want to be a different person. I want to be all I can be. Does that sound familiar? That used to be the Army's old slogan, before the current "Army of One". I like it better. In fact, I'm not sure what is meant by "An Army of One". Maybe it was developed to appeal to the younger generation, who are so individualistic. I dont really know.

Onto other things... I had some comments from some guys that are current Special Forces soldiers, or have all ready made it through the Q course. They really helped. It's amazing how much an encouraging word from someone who has already been through it can pick up my spirits. It really motivates me to want to be a part of that group.

More Inspiration

2006-06-17T04:05:00.000-04:00

"Every good Citizen makes his country's honor his own, and cherishes it not only as precious, but as sacred. He is willing to risk his life in its defense and is concious that he gains protection while he gives it." Andrew Jackson

Somewhere, a True Believer is training to kill you. He is training with minimal food and water, in austere conditions, training day and night. The only thing clean on him is his weapon and he made his own web gear. He doesn't worry about what workout to do - his ruck weighs what it weighs, his runs end when the enemy stops chasing him. This True Believer is not concerned about "how hard it is"; he knows he either wins or he dies. He doesn't go home at 17:00, he is home. He knows only The Cause.

Still want to quit?

Inspirational Quotes

2006-06-15T01:20:00.000-04:00

So I've decided to start posting any little bit of Inspirational material that comes my way. It cant hurt to have a good quote in your bag of tricks! I'll start with one from George Orwell:

People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf.

In my favorite book of late, Starship Troopers, by Robert Heinlein; when the protagonist, johnnie is in boot camp, he gets a letter from one of his highschool teachers, who is a veteran. In the message there is a line that reads "The Noblest fate that a man can endure is to place his own mortal body between his loved home and the war's desolation".

I thought this was a great phrase. It's a great book, I've read it about 5 times in the last few months. Well, I guess thats all for now. Somebody leave a comment or something.

Words of Wisdom

2006-06-13T18:56:00.000-04:00

Attitudes are Forerunners of Conditions

So in my last post, I talked about mental readiness, and how my self confidence level is pretty low at this point. In an odd twist of fate, while cleaning out my wallet today, I found a fortune from a chinese restaurant I went to in Boston while visiting my Sister. It said "Attitudes are Forerunners of Conditions". It struck me as rather appropriate. I need to quit worrying about all the things that can go wrong, and focus on making things go right. Finding the motivation within myself to be successful starts with the right mindset. Not exactly profound, but like I said before, this blog is about my own personal journey towards Special Forces. Perhaps I'm being too honest and open about all this.

On to happier things, I just discovered another good SF blog from a guy who's just finishing up the medic course. http://shamrockrant.blogspot.com I think this guy is pretty funny, If I knew in person, we'd hang out. And with a handle like shamrock, he must be at least part Irish, so he's ok by default.

Time for another post

2006-06-13T02:21:00.000-04:00

Well, I figured it was time for another post. One thing I didn't anticipate about waiting so long between graduation and OSUT is just how BORED I'd be. It's getting to the point where I'm seriously thinking about asking to leave early, even though I'm not physically ready. But physical readiness aside, I'm not mentally ready either. I keep having these horrible thoughts that I've made a big mistake and I'm going to wind up pumping gas, mowing lawns, and changing the oil in Humvee's for the next 5 years. Probably not what I should be thinking. I posted a while ago about not contemplating failure...but it seems like all I can think about lately. Maybe it's best to get these thoughts out of my head now, rather than during the process. This feeling of uncertainty is not something I still want to be wrestling with when I leave. It's not like I dont have other options of this doesnt work out...I have my degree...I can apply for OCS, with the way the Officer situation is in the Army right now, there's a pretty good chance I'd get selected. I'm also a school trained Arabic Linguist....I'm sure thats got to be worth something.....maybe going to do language maintenance will get me out of mowing lawns and changing oil. I hope my little back up plans don't turn into excuses for quitting. My main goal throughout this process is to do my best, and not to quit. Obviously that may not be enough, but at least I'll be able to say I tried. Even if I dont get to wear the tab, maybe I have a talent that will at least let me work with the SF guys. I believe in what they do, not just the kicking in doors and the rough stuff, but the winning of hearts and minds aspect of it. I guess its not really that I won't succede in SF that really worries me, I'm afraid I wont be a good soldier. Truth be told, I wasn't a good sailor. I wasn't a good Linguist...as far as the other linguists were concerned. I did do my mission very well...I was a good operator. I recently got in touch with another linguist I used to work with, and he really paid me a complement about the way I did my job. It's nice to be remebered for doing a good job. If I look at this in a different light, maybe I'm actually more afraid of success than failure. Deep down in my gut, I really question wether or not I have the aptitude to be a good SF soldier. I mean...this is the real deal. People will be depending on me...it's definately not playtime, one mistake can get someone killed. This is true for any unit I might go to, but especially in SF. I hope I'm equal to the task, It's certainly intimidating.

In happier news, I saw a cool special about the 10th mountain division last night. Being from pretty close to Fort Drum, it was really neat to see what those guys do. I'd definately be proud to serve in that unit. I also saw that they have a language center up there. I'm going to ask my recruiter if he can maybe get me access to it, or even enrolled in one of the classes. I definately need to practice up on my language skills. When I go to help people build a country, it will certainly be helpful if I speak the Language!

Another one bites the dust

2006-06-08T22:21:00.000-04:00

Well, today U.S. Special Operations Forces whacked Al-Zarqawi....the Al-Qaida's number 2 honcho. I can't say that I feel either good or bad about this. I mean, I'm sure that its a good thing as far as the war on terror goes, but I think its wrong to celebrate the death of another human being. Every time an IED goes off or some nutjob suicide bombs himself and a bunch of other innocent bystanders, those crazy fuckers get all riled up and dance around and praise god. What a bunch of crap. As I get closer to leaving for OSUT, I've been trying to come to grips with some of the fears I have. Part of that process is really deciding what your afraid of. I guess another fear I have (besides needles and jumping out of airplanes) is of people who celebrate the death of another human being. Or celebrate the death of anything for cruelty's sake. I'm also afraid of anyone who would seriously try and tell me that God wants me to kill for him, and anyone who believes that nonsense.

I was trying to explain to someone the other day why I joined the Army, and during the course of the conversation she said " I know your not afraid to die". Well....I immediately corrected her. I am afraid of dying, it's really not something I want to do. In the end though, we're all going to die, I just want my death to mean something. I would rather die helping others, wether it be fellow soliders, or people trying to build a country they can feel good about. I really believe that what we're doing in Iraq will one day make the world a better, safer place. I hope one day to have children, and I sincerely hope they dont have to deal with all the bullshit that's going on now.

Another reason I decided to join the Army is that I was tired of defending the war. I'm tired of arguing with people about wether or not we should be in Iraq. I feel, of course, that we should. Let me tell you, its much easier to feel that way in a college class room than in a foxhole. So I decided to put my money where my mouth is. If I really believed in the cause, I thought, I should do more than just talk about it.

Sorry for the profanity tonight....it's the former Sailor in me coming to the surface ;)

Back home

2006-06-07T19:55:00.000-04:00

So I'm finally back from my travel's, at least for the time being. I had such a good time in Boston that I really want to head out there again as soon as I can. So today marked the beginning of my Physical Training. I've been walking all over with that stupid Ruck Sack for a few weks now, and trying to watch what I eat because I need to lose a little weight. Well, I guess I dont need to, but I think it would help alot. So today I got together with my recruiter and we did some PT, pretty basic stuff, push ups, sit ups, flutter kicks, etc. Then came the running.....thats when I really decided I was in trouble. I've never been a fast runner anyway, but the past few years of sitting on the couch sure havent helped me. I ran about 2 miles in 17 minutes, which is a great pace...if your running 5 miles, not so great for a 2 mile run. On the up side...If I was a female....I'd be well within army standards. Oh well, I'm sure that by the time September rolls around, I'll be a little quicker. In fact, I think I have to be a little quicker to even get out of reception and into boot camp proper. My goal is to be able to run the 2 miles in under 15 minutes...14 minutes would be ideal. I think that will give me enough points to not have to worry about making it into selection. I also need to improve my push ups and sit ups a little, but not nearly as much as I need to improve my run. As it sits now, I can pass everything but the run in my age group. The problem is that I need to be able to pass in the 17-20 year old age group.I figure if I can max push ups and sit ups..then I really only need to pass the run ( get the 60 points ). All in all, I feel ok about where I am now because I have a few months to continue to get ready.

On a happier note...I really did have a great time in Boston! I do beleive it had more to do with the company I kept than the location. My sister is really lucky...she has some cool friends. Actually, Im not sure lucky is the right word. She's worked very hard for the past few years, and now she's enjoying the rewards. Im really impressed with her and what she's accomplished. She's kinda my hero now.

Travelling

2006-06-02T15:35:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I havent posted for a few weeks, part of the reason for that is because I had been really busy with finals and getting ready to graduate. I'm proud to say, that I am now a college graduate! Alot of people ask me why I would go back into the enlisted ranks now that I've finished my degree, and the main reason is that the 18x program is only for enlisted guys. In retrospect, finishing my college degree was more a matter of personal pride for me. I just wanted to be a college graduate. I graduated from a good school and a challenging course of study, and again, I'm pretty proud of that.
Another reason for not posting in so long is because I have been travelling. I drove down to Washington, D.C. for few days, then back home, then to Boston to visit my sister. I've been here in Boston now for almost a week, and so far we're having a blast! It's good to be able to spend some quality time with my sister and meet some of her friends. Anyway, I shall try and be more dilligent about posting in the future!

Added Links

2006-05-13T18:41:00.000-04:00

Today I added some links on the side bar to few blogs I have been reading for some time now; Jake Commando, and Jack Army. They've been good sources of information so far, and if anyone is interested in Special Forces or the training Special Forces Operators go through, then they should definately check these out.
I've been thinking alot lately about what will happen if I dont successfully complete the SF taining. I hate to contemplate failure, because I think you can end up "talking yourself" into failing. Once you start to justify poor performance or get comfortable with the idea of failing, you are that much closer to it. I would prefer to keep a positive attitude, but I definately have my moments of doom and gloom. In order to get around this, I've realized that I should focus in becoming the best soldier I can be, not just an SF Soldier. I think I should shift my goal from just making it through the training, to being the best I can. I suppose this sounds a little redundant, but I think that by trying to be a great soldier, the SF training will start to take care of itself. I'm sure that one thing leads to the other, and hopefully it will relieve some of the pressure I'm feeling. It's a new way of doing business for me, as in the past I've been a status quo kind of guy. Thats something I'm going to have to work hard to change.
I have been able to speak to a couple of active duty SF guys already, and they've been really great as far offering support and encouragement. Everyone is pretty tight-lipped about SFAS though. I asked one of the guys what Selection is like, and he said simply, "It sucks.". Well, I expected that. I really should thank my recruiter though, for putting me in touch with the SF soldier I've been talking to. He really went to extra mile to find someone to answer the questions I have that he doesn't know the answer to.
Other than that, I'm just plauged by a few stupid questions, like "do you wear the ACU's in selection now?", and "what kind of boots should I buy to march in?". I'm under the impression that I'll be getting issued ACU's at OSUT, and the SFAS packing list I found online says to bring BDU's. thats fine, if they want me in BDU's, I'll buy them, but where am I going to put all my other gear? I'm not sure if I'll have an actual barracks room at that point. Silly questions I know, but they keep me up at night.

Last Day Of Classes

2006-05-12T15:51:00.000-04:00

Well, College is officially over for me. Today was my last day of classes, so finals are next week and graduation as well. I'm going to miss going to school, I've really enjoyed it. I always get a little nostalgic at times like these. Oh well, every ending is also a new beginning I suppose.
I am starting to get excited rather than nervous about my upcoming military service. I"m still not sure I like the idea about jumping out of an airplane (there's no such thing as a perfectly good airplane IMHO), but I am getting excited about beggining the next phase of my life. Pretty much as soon as I graduate from OSUT, I'll be turning 30, then jump school. I suppose that is a pretty novel way to spend your birthday! Two milestones in as many months, who wouldnt be excited about that?
I was looking online for a new camelback to get for myself as a little graduation present. I have it narrowed down to 3 of them, the BFM, the Motherload, and the Talon-J. I like the BFM and Motherload because they come in the new ACU pattern, which matches the Army's new uniform. They are also the two largest packs camelback makes. Then I discovered the Talon-J, the J stands for "jumpable". I understand that to mean specifically designed with Airborne operations in mind. That's pretty cool considering I'll be attending airborne school, right? But then I asked myself, what exactly make's a pack "jumpable"? The Talon-J is priced higher than the non -J Talon model, but has "a built-in, single point release, and easily stowable leg straps." Hmmm. If anyone out there ever reads this, and can give me a little advice here, I'd appreciate it. I guess this blog is sort of turning out to be back-pack related, which I suppose is in line with my future occupation. Next thing I should probably discuss is footwear!

A little too much Ambition

2006-05-10T14:05:00.000-04:00

Ok, so maybe 50 lbs. was a little too much weight to start out with, especially after my little lecture about taking it easy. I am really hurting today, and I didnt even do that much with the heavy ruck yesterday. Well, its not like I didn't know this was going to be tough.
On a side note, I am really scared of Jump school. I am actually as close to being terrified as I've ever come, and its still a few months away. I'm sure I'm building it up in my head to be much worse than it really is...its been my experience that I'm far better at scaring myself than anyone else is. Jump School will be a big victory for me, as it is for a lot of people I imagine. Overcoming our fears is never an easy thing. I never really knew how many things scared me untill I joined the military, I guess we may not know what really scares us untill we're faced with it. I always knew I was afraid of needles, but I'm mostly over that now...well, partly anyway. More on being afraid later.

50 pounds of Sand

2006-05-09T23:37:00.000-04:00

I stopped by Lowe's Hardware today to grab some sand to throw in the Ruck sack my recruiter loaned me, I ended up getting a 50 pound bag. I soon came to the conclusion that it gets very heavy, very quickly. I think that the load distribution of the ruck is horrible. I have a sweet expedition pack from EMS (Eastern Mountain Sports) and fully loaded (with tent, sleeping bag, etc.) it comes in at about 47 lbs, but it is soooo much more comfortable! I was really surprised at how bad the ruck hurt after even a few minutes. Now I know why there are so many "enhancements" you can buy for it. The waist strap is really just to keep the bottom of the ruck close to your body, whereas on my EMS pack, the waist strap supports the majority of the load, which leads to better balance, and less fatigue in your shoulders. I guess I better get used to it though...that's what I'll be carrying all through selection. I might also be so uncomfortable because the bag of sand just hangs out in the bottom of the ruck, so its not really what a full load at that weight would feel like (it would be distributed over a wider area within the pack). Anyway...it's a real pain (literally) to carry around. I'm going to take a few days of just lugging it around campus before I do any real mileage, at least get used to picking it up and putting it on. Because I've been such a couch potato for so long, I have to have a slow start with all of this to avoid injury. Getting hurt now would take time away from getting ready...and I'm going to devote all my time from graduation untill I ship to getting ready. I'll hopefully be in decent shape by then, or at least on my way to decent shape. I know that I'll be getting a good workout in OSUT, Airborne, and SOPC1....but anything I do now will them all suck that much less when I finally get there.

Why does the Army hate prior service personnel?

2006-05-08T18:02:00.000-04:00

Ok, so when I was at MEPS last Thursday, going over my options with the career counselor, it turned out that because I was in the Navy, and therefore prior service, I'm not eligible for any of the current enlistment incentives, at least not for the 18x program. That kinda bummed me out, but what are you going to do? I joined anyway, because in the end, I'm not doing it for the money. Why am I doing it, I dont really know, but it's not for the money (HA). Actually I have a pretty clear idea of why I want to join the Army, and why I want to be a Special Forces Soldier. The simple truth of it is that I believe in the mission. I really Like the SF motto, "De Opresso Liber", Liberate the Oppressed. It's what I believe we should be doing, or at least what I should be doing with my life. I suppose it's finally time for me to stop saying "somebody should do something about that"....and actually be the one to do it. I've defended the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan since they began, and I think now is the time to put my money where my mouth is. I've gotten a little off track here, but that's ok...this is more of a "stream of conciousness" type blog, as oposed to something with a little more format. Or any format at all, for that matter. Anyway...back to the topic of being prior service...one would think that the Army would welcome former servicemen for other branches with open arms and hefty cash bonuses, and well, maybe they do, if you pick a different job than the one I picked. In reality I didn't even look at any other jobs, I already knew what I wanted....for better or for worse (probably worse :/ ). In the end, things will all work out for the best, I'm sure. I am, however, still really nervous.

I just Enlisted...again

2006-05-07T23:32:00.000-04:00

Well, on Thursday, May 4th, I officialy signed my contract with the U.S. Army! I enlisted under the 18x program, which means, assuming that I meet all the requirements, I'll be attending Special Forces Assesment and Selection. I have to make it through Infantry OSUT, Airborne school and SOPC1 first, but hopefully all will go well and I'll make it through everything. Right now the thing that scares me the most is my physical condition...I've been kind of a couch potato for that last few years while I finished school, and right now I couldnt even pass the PT test to go to SFAS, but I'm not leaving for Basic (OSUT) untill September, so if I work hard, I should have some time to at least be on way to good physical conditioning. Special Forces probably wasnt the best choice for someone in my position (condition), but hey, Im almost 30 and its kinda now or never.
As far as my background goes, I joined the Navy when I was 20, and spent 6 years on Active Duty as a Cryptologic Technician (Interpreter)....or CTI in Navy speak. I decided to leave the Navy for a few different reasons, but mainly it was to finish my degree, which I will have done in 2 weeks. So naturally I thought about joining the military again. I left the Navy at 26 years old, and have been in school for almost 3 years (thank you MGIB), so now I'm almost 30 and wondering what the heck I've signed on for. A 5 year contract with the Army, at best in one of the most challenging jobs there is, at worst in one of the most demanding jobs there is....wow.
At least I know what basic training will be like, and let me tell you how much I am NOT looking forward to another Gamma Globulin shot and getting pin cushioned in general...oh well, so be it. Anyway...this blog is more for me to keep track of my thoughts and feeling as I get ready to enter (endure) one of the most challenging things I've ever done with my life...I guess its going to be like a kind of therapy...a place to voice my fears, uncertainties, and doubts. More to come in the near future!