The Fear of Failure

So maybe the officer thing is just me chickening out. I'm not sure. As my ship date approaches...I cant help feeling that I am woefully under prepared. My run time is still is still garbage, and my push-ups and sit-ups are weak to put it mildly. Drama on the home front with my parents has me thinking of everything but selection, I cant seem to keep my head in the game at all lately. Maybe I'm just grasping at straws here. Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck out in the middle of the ocean, treading water...and my arms are getting tired. Too much going on right now for me to handle. I start thinking that if I cant even handle life as a civilian, how the hell am I going to make it through selection? How the hell am I even going to make it TO selection? Im not even sure I can make it into BAC at this point. I'm weak, and apparently not just physically. These traits are not compatible with the Special Forces.

I'm writing all this down and blogging about it to get it all out my head. Everytime I try to sit down and relax and actually think about things...my mind is all over the place. Writing about it helps. It helps me organize my thoughts...bring order to chaos.

The girl situation is up and down, back and forth. I put too much pressure on her I think. All this mess with my family just makes me want to start my own family, one that works. So instead of just enjoying our last few weeks together, she gets to see me all wound up and emotional, thinking about the future instead of living in the present. I know she cares about me, probably too much for her own good at this point. She's so concerned about me being happy she worries herself sick, and with everything else going on in her life, she really can't afford to be doing that. A source of confusion and worry is not the role I want to play in her life. I keep talking about our future together, and she's not ready to hear that. I try to remind myself that its a marathon, not a sprint. Sometimes it helps, other times it doesn't. Timing sucks on this one. I think Im losing an opportunity at something great. I'm torn. Keep goign the SF route? Or look for something more stable and take a gamble that a relationship with her doesnt work out. I want to set us up for success, I want to do everything I can to give a chance at a relationship with her the best possible odds. I know that a Green Beret and SF tab on my shoulder wouldn't make me feel any better about losing her.

So on to the OCS thing. OCS has been a goal of mine since I was in the Navy. I got out of the Navy to pursue my degree specifically for that reason. I had planned on submitting an OCS package after this enlistment anyway. I'll have 11 years in at that point, and I might as well gut out another 9 and retire at 43...not too shabby. So in 9 years, I figure I'll have to be at least a Captain, and their retirement is a hell of alot better than any enlisted man's anyway. Might as well capitalize right? Might as well make better money along the way too. Officers lead a way better style of life...but it's so much more political...and I fucking hate that. Pro's and Con's to everything.

I guess in the end it all boils down to me being afraid. Im not afraid of physical pain or discomfort, I'm afraid of failing and ending up hating my life stuck in some infantry unit in Korea. I'm afraid I'll never get to start a family. I'll never get to be the father mine should have been to me. I think I should hire a life coach or something.