Official Retraction
Ok, I've decided to print an official retraction concerning the Female Situation. Sarah...this is for you.
Yes, I have been having a few whiney posts about my love life lately. Its not supposed to be what this blog is about, its supposed to be about my transformation from zero to hero. I have been totally focused on this whole SF process, to the point that I have tuned everything else in my life out. My parents impending divorce...all of it. It was a huge descision to give up on trying to nurse my parents through this. I've ALWAYS been close with my parents, it is only through their love and support that I have met with any of the success I have enjoyed so far. I thought that if I was going to be successful at SFAS, I had to give up everything else. And I did, sometimes I'm ashamed of that, but I felt it was time that I finally really and truely left the nest, and began my own journey through life. I felt that it was time to stop worrying about everyone else and start addressing my own flaws, before I start using everyone else as an excuse for never doing anything all the way. Time to make a real committment and begin the relentless pursuit of excellence. Then I started seeing Sarah.
Its not like I just met some random girl and totally went ass-over-tea kettle nuts about her. Thats not it at all. I've known Sarah for I'd have to say about 20 years. Thats 2/3 of my life that I've known her. I've had feelings for her for a big portion of that time, strong feelings. I've gone on with my life...we've gone on...apart...each on their own path. Each of us having triumphs and failures, but apart. Then our paths crossed again. Right as I'm about to leave for the Army. The timing here isn't the best. My greatest fear becomes a reality. Something I can't walk away from. Something that means more to me than anything else. It's not that I've given up on my dreams of becoming a Special Forces Soldier. I haven't by any stretch. But what do you do when you meet someone who makes your dreams change? That scares the shit out of me. It really turned my world upside down and made me aware that I've had tunnel vision. The right person will do that I suppose. They dont really change your dreams I guess, They enhance them.
So the story continues...we start talking...then spending a little time together. The usual back and forth begins...neither one of us is sure what we want from the other one...things go back and forth. She has fears....I have fears. She thinks maybe that I will go away and love the Army more than her, or that distance will make me forget about her. So finally I was so frustrated and emotional I just told her that I'd had a crush on her for about 15 years. Time and distance have never had any effect on that. They never will. As much as I thought she was complicating my life, she was really making it alot simpler.
My whole mentality right now is to go for it, Sieze every opportunity...thats what the whole 18x program is for me. I dont want to be an old man in rocking chair looking back on my life and regretting not trying out for it when I had the chance. Always wondering if I had what it takes to be the best. Wondering if I could ever really pour my heart and soul into something and go full out...if I could ever reach my potential. So when The opportunity arose for me to start a relationship with Sarah, I decided to apply the same philosophy, go for broke. Cast or Tab. I never thought she would make it so easy though. All the frustration came from finally having an opportunity to do something I'd always wanted to do, alot like the wrestling I did with deciding to enlist again. That of course happened before this blog began.
I remember writing that maybe I was afraid of failure, but terrified of success. Its the same thing with Sarah. Meeting someone that makes you want to be better can be a little disorienting. I'm scared of her sometimes. Scared that maybe I wont live up to her. I wont be enough. Just like Special Forces. Not a very romantic comparison I guess, but its a theme with me I'm realizing. Im scared of Disappointing her. The same way I'm scared of making it through the SF pipeline and Screwing up on a team. I'm realizing that its not bad to have those fears, as long as they drive us to make sure they never come true.
No matter what the outcome of this relationship is, I wont have any regrets about going for it. I wont wind up an old man in a rocking chair wondering what would have happened if I'd tried. I sleep better now.
Yes, I have been having a few whiney posts about my love life lately. Its not supposed to be what this blog is about, its supposed to be about my transformation from zero to hero. I have been totally focused on this whole SF process, to the point that I have tuned everything else in my life out. My parents impending divorce...all of it. It was a huge descision to give up on trying to nurse my parents through this. I've ALWAYS been close with my parents, it is only through their love and support that I have met with any of the success I have enjoyed so far. I thought that if I was going to be successful at SFAS, I had to give up everything else. And I did, sometimes I'm ashamed of that, but I felt it was time that I finally really and truely left the nest, and began my own journey through life. I felt that it was time to stop worrying about everyone else and start addressing my own flaws, before I start using everyone else as an excuse for never doing anything all the way. Time to make a real committment and begin the relentless pursuit of excellence. Then I started seeing Sarah.
Its not like I just met some random girl and totally went ass-over-tea kettle nuts about her. Thats not it at all. I've known Sarah for I'd have to say about 20 years. Thats 2/3 of my life that I've known her. I've had feelings for her for a big portion of that time, strong feelings. I've gone on with my life...we've gone on...apart...each on their own path. Each of us having triumphs and failures, but apart. Then our paths crossed again. Right as I'm about to leave for the Army. The timing here isn't the best. My greatest fear becomes a reality. Something I can't walk away from. Something that means more to me than anything else. It's not that I've given up on my dreams of becoming a Special Forces Soldier. I haven't by any stretch. But what do you do when you meet someone who makes your dreams change? That scares the shit out of me. It really turned my world upside down and made me aware that I've had tunnel vision. The right person will do that I suppose. They dont really change your dreams I guess, They enhance them.
So the story continues...we start talking...then spending a little time together. The usual back and forth begins...neither one of us is sure what we want from the other one...things go back and forth. She has fears....I have fears. She thinks maybe that I will go away and love the Army more than her, or that distance will make me forget about her. So finally I was so frustrated and emotional I just told her that I'd had a crush on her for about 15 years. Time and distance have never had any effect on that. They never will. As much as I thought she was complicating my life, she was really making it alot simpler.
My whole mentality right now is to go for it, Sieze every opportunity...thats what the whole 18x program is for me. I dont want to be an old man in rocking chair looking back on my life and regretting not trying out for it when I had the chance. Always wondering if I had what it takes to be the best. Wondering if I could ever really pour my heart and soul into something and go full out...if I could ever reach my potential. So when The opportunity arose for me to start a relationship with Sarah, I decided to apply the same philosophy, go for broke. Cast or Tab. I never thought she would make it so easy though. All the frustration came from finally having an opportunity to do something I'd always wanted to do, alot like the wrestling I did with deciding to enlist again. That of course happened before this blog began.
I remember writing that maybe I was afraid of failure, but terrified of success. Its the same thing with Sarah. Meeting someone that makes you want to be better can be a little disorienting. I'm scared of her sometimes. Scared that maybe I wont live up to her. I wont be enough. Just like Special Forces. Not a very romantic comparison I guess, but its a theme with me I'm realizing. Im scared of Disappointing her. The same way I'm scared of making it through the SF pipeline and Screwing up on a team. I'm realizing that its not bad to have those fears, as long as they drive us to make sure they never come true.
No matter what the outcome of this relationship is, I wont have any regrets about going for it. I wont wind up an old man in a rocking chair wondering what would have happened if I'd tried. I sleep better now.
posted by ElimiNate at 11:16 AM
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