Great weekend...not so great week
So the weekend away was absolutely phenomenal. It really turned out to be everything I had hoped it would be. All we really did was hang out, sleep and read. Perfect. I attempted water skiing yet again...and ended up with a lake water colonic flushing instead. I also managed to lose my Oakley Half Jackets in the process.....but it was a blast none the less. TG and I got the quality time we needed together.
Upon our return, however, things have gotten akward. Before I go all nuts and start ranting about women, I'll make the disclaimer that a significant portion of the current difficulties are my fault. Here's the deal on that:
My parents recently split after 35 or 36 years of marriage. So for the past few months they have been making me play referee, and its gotten to point where I'm so emotionally drained from it, I get confused (emotionally) very easily. My father and I have had a difficult realtionship my entire life. He never really had much use for me. He never was there for me in the traditional sense...we never had any hallmark father/son moments. Not alot of nuturing going on there. In fact he used to beat the living shit out of me whenever he thought I deserved it, which was usually often. I'm not one to whine about a spanking....I actually believe in physical discipline as a teaching tool....as far as the fact that you cant use reason and logic with a child, they dont understand it. For example, you can tell a child not to touch a hot stove, because its hot and they will get burned, but odds are they are going to go ahead and touch it anyway...to test their boundaries. Its how we gain life experience. But you can bet that once they get burned the lesson will hit home. A small amount of physical pain is a great teacher. The military uses this in the form of pushups and various other excercises to discourage inappropriate behavior. It's a rather effective tool. My father, however took physical discipline far, far beyond simply teaching me about unpleasant consequences for my actions. There were bruises, welts, blood and smooshed noses involved usually. He used to hit me so hard he would break blood vessels in his own hand, but that wouldn't stop him, he just pick up something....a belt, or a 2x4, or whatever esle was handy and keep going untill he thought I'd had enough. The sickening thing, and the hardest part for me, is that to this day, he refuses to apologize or even acknowledge that he was wrong for doing that to me. In his mind he was totally justified because I was a "willfull" child. Now the thing you have to understand is that my father is not an aggressive man....he's not a drunk...He's never, ever, hit anyone else besides my mother in his entire life. He laughed at me when I told him I was going to try out for Special Forces. He told me I'd never make it, that I was too weak. He's never been in a fistfight, never stood up to anyone, and can't imagine hwo I do. I stopped speaking to him about a month ago, when he left my mother. I finally realized that I have absolutely no use for him. The down side to this wole thing is that he had told me he'd help me out financially untill I left for the Army. So when we stopped speaking he cut me off. Its fine, I mean I'm almost 30 years old, its about time I got off the tit and went and made my own way in the world anyway. But needless to say, my finances have added another source of stress. I havent had a job since I left the Navy, so by now my savings are almost all gone, and money is a worry.
My mother and I still speak, though. This situation isnt really any better than the one with my father though. She is hurt and afraid of what the future holds for her, and takes it out on me. If I ever get so bold as to disagree with her, I get to hear how much like my father I am. How I dont love her, and I dont car about her. She just uses tears instead of fists. I'd rather have the fists, personally. Physical pain goes away in a matter of moments, emotional abuse is a completely different animal. She preys on my worst fears. That somewhere down deep inside of me, I am like my father. What do you do with yourself when you realize you hate your family? It's a confusing situation.
Now TG tries her ass off to make me happy. She tried to make up for everything thats been done to me. When I have a shitty day she tries to make it better. She gets hurt when I dont respond right away, or when she doesnt get immediate results. She sometimes gets the brunt of my hurt. I've been pretty moody lately. What she doesnt realize is that its not the methods she uses to make me happier that work, its the fact that she cares at all. To have someone in my life that cares about me is more than I've ever had before. I've never been able to depend on anyone else for any kind of emotional support before, never in my life. It's confusing. She's usually victim to huge emotional outpourings, and unfortunately it just confuses her, and its more than she can handle sometimes. Sometimes I'm too short with her, and I dont take her feelings into account when I say somethings. It's not that I dont care about her feelings...I care about them more than anything else in the world....its that all my emotions are one huge, vile, vomitous mass inside me that all comes out at once. I havent learned how to separate everything I'm feeling yet...and when it wants out....its nothing more than a purging. I suppose I have a hard time dealing with everything in the right way. separating individual problems and dealing with them one at a time. In fact, I've made a habit out of not dealing with anything most of my life. I dont run from my problems, I just refuse to acknowledge them, I try to drive on and hope that tomorrow will be better. It's not effective.
On to happier news. Best Buy offered me a full time position, which I accepted. I now get full medical benefits and a raise to $8.50. wow. Try not to be impressed.
Upon our return, however, things have gotten akward. Before I go all nuts and start ranting about women, I'll make the disclaimer that a significant portion of the current difficulties are my fault. Here's the deal on that:
My parents recently split after 35 or 36 years of marriage. So for the past few months they have been making me play referee, and its gotten to point where I'm so emotionally drained from it, I get confused (emotionally) very easily. My father and I have had a difficult realtionship my entire life. He never really had much use for me. He never was there for me in the traditional sense...we never had any hallmark father/son moments. Not alot of nuturing going on there. In fact he used to beat the living shit out of me whenever he thought I deserved it, which was usually often. I'm not one to whine about a spanking....I actually believe in physical discipline as a teaching tool....as far as the fact that you cant use reason and logic with a child, they dont understand it. For example, you can tell a child not to touch a hot stove, because its hot and they will get burned, but odds are they are going to go ahead and touch it anyway...to test their boundaries. Its how we gain life experience. But you can bet that once they get burned the lesson will hit home. A small amount of physical pain is a great teacher. The military uses this in the form of pushups and various other excercises to discourage inappropriate behavior. It's a rather effective tool. My father, however took physical discipline far, far beyond simply teaching me about unpleasant consequences for my actions. There were bruises, welts, blood and smooshed noses involved usually. He used to hit me so hard he would break blood vessels in his own hand, but that wouldn't stop him, he just pick up something....a belt, or a 2x4, or whatever esle was handy and keep going untill he thought I'd had enough. The sickening thing, and the hardest part for me, is that to this day, he refuses to apologize or even acknowledge that he was wrong for doing that to me. In his mind he was totally justified because I was a "willfull" child. Now the thing you have to understand is that my father is not an aggressive man....he's not a drunk...He's never, ever, hit anyone else besides my mother in his entire life. He laughed at me when I told him I was going to try out for Special Forces. He told me I'd never make it, that I was too weak. He's never been in a fistfight, never stood up to anyone, and can't imagine hwo I do. I stopped speaking to him about a month ago, when he left my mother. I finally realized that I have absolutely no use for him. The down side to this wole thing is that he had told me he'd help me out financially untill I left for the Army. So when we stopped speaking he cut me off. Its fine, I mean I'm almost 30 years old, its about time I got off the tit and went and made my own way in the world anyway. But needless to say, my finances have added another source of stress. I havent had a job since I left the Navy, so by now my savings are almost all gone, and money is a worry.
My mother and I still speak, though. This situation isnt really any better than the one with my father though. She is hurt and afraid of what the future holds for her, and takes it out on me. If I ever get so bold as to disagree with her, I get to hear how much like my father I am. How I dont love her, and I dont car about her. She just uses tears instead of fists. I'd rather have the fists, personally. Physical pain goes away in a matter of moments, emotional abuse is a completely different animal. She preys on my worst fears. That somewhere down deep inside of me, I am like my father. What do you do with yourself when you realize you hate your family? It's a confusing situation.
Now TG tries her ass off to make me happy. She tried to make up for everything thats been done to me. When I have a shitty day she tries to make it better. She gets hurt when I dont respond right away, or when she doesnt get immediate results. She sometimes gets the brunt of my hurt. I've been pretty moody lately. What she doesnt realize is that its not the methods she uses to make me happier that work, its the fact that she cares at all. To have someone in my life that cares about me is more than I've ever had before. I've never been able to depend on anyone else for any kind of emotional support before, never in my life. It's confusing. She's usually victim to huge emotional outpourings, and unfortunately it just confuses her, and its more than she can handle sometimes. Sometimes I'm too short with her, and I dont take her feelings into account when I say somethings. It's not that I dont care about her feelings...I care about them more than anything else in the world....its that all my emotions are one huge, vile, vomitous mass inside me that all comes out at once. I havent learned how to separate everything I'm feeling yet...and when it wants out....its nothing more than a purging. I suppose I have a hard time dealing with everything in the right way. separating individual problems and dealing with them one at a time. In fact, I've made a habit out of not dealing with anything most of my life. I dont run from my problems, I just refuse to acknowledge them, I try to drive on and hope that tomorrow will be better. It's not effective.
On to happier news. Best Buy offered me a full time position, which I accepted. I now get full medical benefits and a raise to $8.50. wow. Try not to be impressed.
posted by ElimiNate at 3:32 PM
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